We're told we don't know
someone until we've lived
with them but there have
been too many stories that
prove that, even then, we
don't really know the person.
We may know their hot
buttons, their favorite color,
their thinking patterns,
interests, fears, spending
habits, personality quirks,
etc., but we don't really
know them.
Many years ago, a woman
told me the story of her
marriage. She had been
married for more than
twenty years and thought
she knew her husband very
well. They had a fairly close
relationship and shared
many of the same interests.
Their beliefs and goals were
similar and they enjoyed the
same sense of humor. And
she had lived with him for
over twenty years.
One night, at 3:00 a.m., there
was a loud knock at her
door. She went to answer it
and was greeted by several
law enforcement officers
who were there to arrest her
husband for murders that
he had committed in four
different states. She was so
sure they had the wrong
address that she argued
with them until she looked at
her husband's face. His
expression said he knew the
jig was up. He was later tried
and convicted and his wife
had to pick up the pieces of
her life and raise their
children by herself.
We've all heard countless
stories of men and women
who don't tell their partners
that they are married. Some
say they are getting a
divorce while others say
they are already divorced
and then, in many cases, the
wife or husband of these
people, finds out about the
deception and contacts their
"replacement."
One man romanced a woman
for close to two years
before his wife found out
about their liaison and went
to his lover's house to
confront her. His reaction,
instead of being repentant,
was one of annoyance that
he had been found out and
their affair was ending. He
didn't care that his girlfriend
was devastated and that
she had wasted two years
of her life thinking that she
was going to marry him; all
he cared about was that he
had been found out.
A woman told her boyfriend
that she was single and said
she could only see him
between assignments
because her job involved a
lot of traveling. This went on
for eighteen months. One
day, her husband contacted
this man to tell him that he
had hired a private
detective who had proof of
his wife's infidelity and
unless this man stopped
seeing her, he would see him
in court.
Not all relationships have
stories like these to tell but
there are other stories that
bear similar marks of
deception. We always hear
people saying that it's never
a good policy to tell your
partner everything; it takes
away some of the mystique
that makes a relationship
interesting. But what if that
mystique is really a cover-
up for a person's inability to
have a close, intimate
relationship? What if that
mystique is underscoring
someone's unavailability for
reasons other than keeping
the mystery alive and well in
their relationship?
In this era of sophisticated
technology, it's not too
difficult to discover a lot of
personal information about
someone without having to
leave your livingroom chair.
All you need is a computer,
an Internet provider, Google,
and the social networking
sites. I'm told you can
actually attain a fairly
complete dossier on just
about anyone. If that's not
as thorough as you would
like, you can hire a private
detective to fill in the
missing details.
But the real issue is that
people usually prefer to see
their partner through rose-
colored glasses. They don't
want to distort their
perception with unsavory
details that might put an end
to their relationship.
In years gone by, most
people met prospective
dates through introductions
so they knew the pertinent
information before they
even went out on the first
date. It was also a form of
protection because they
were meeting that person
through someone who knew
someone and there were
very clear boundaries of
acceptable social behavior.
Nowadays, people meet in
singles bars, over the
Internet, and various other
venues that don't offer any
of these safeguards.
It just makes sense that
when you meet someone
who interests you, do as
much of a background
check as you can before
you go out on that first
date. After you go out on a
few dates, you already have
a vested interest in that
person and you might not
want to see the obvious red
flags. While this background
check might seem to take
the magic out of the getting
to know you stage, it could
give you a feeling of
security to know that what
you see is likely to be what
you'll get.
About The Author
Connie H. Deutsch has been
a business consultant and
personal advisor to clients
from around the world. She
wrote a newspaper Advice
Column for 16 years and is
the author of the book,
Whispers of the Soul and co-
author of an E-book, Getting
Rich While the World Falls
Apart, offered as a free
download on her website.
She wrote and produced two
CDs on Meditation and
Relationships and has done
coaching on customer
service and employee
relationships. Her website is:
http://
www.conniehdeutsch.com
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