Adultery is the most serious
offence in a marriage
because it breaks the trust
and union (oneness)
between a husband and his
wife. It is the height of
marital selfishness, an
absolutely wicked atrocity,
and a very serious sin
against God. When you
commit adultery in your
marriage, you are basically
telling your spouse to "go to
hell", and directly telling
your children, family
members, friends,
congregation and God that
they are not as important as
your accomplice. Your
adultery will scar your
children for life, even more
than the rugged road to
divorce, which could finally
break them.
The impact of adultery is so
severe on children that it is
akin to parental abuse,
neglect and abandonment. A
lifelong regrettable act,
adultery insults and disowns
everyone that truly cares
about you and your family.
When your spouse commits
adultery, it is no one's place
to tell you what to do. So I
will only be sharing
strategies that we have
used to help others to
recover from this malicious
act. First and foremost,
though, I will reiterate that
unless the husband and wife
are strongly willing to put in
the time and effort to make
their marriage work, the
marriage will eventually
stalemate.
A marriage that has been
rocked by adultery will
require a lot of time and
effort from both the
husband and wife to rebuild.
It must be rebuilt and not
mended as generally
indicated. Mending is the act
of putting broken pieces
together, while rebuilding
gives you the opportunity to
start afresh. Mending
requires you to put the
same pieces together, while
rebuilding gives you the
opportunity to introduce new
pieces, and even a totally
different structure
altogether. This is why we
have created a three-step
program to help victims and
perpetrators of adultery
recover from the impact -
physically, mentally,
emotionally and spiritually.
Our program has both
intense and relaxing
components, with physical,
mental, emotional and
spiritual exercises designed
to energize your body,
enlighten your mind, and
enrich your soul. Here is a
recap, which should help you
in your honourable desire to
"still make your marriage
work". Friend, heaven
applauds you for still willing
to make it work!
Three Proven Steps of
Recovering from Adultery
1. Process of Healing:
If your spouse committed
adultery, remorse on his or
her part is absolutely
required to heal the
marriage, while absolute
forgiveness on your part is
equally crucial. There is no
recovery and healing without
remorse and forgiveness.
This requires time and effort
- physically, mentally,
emotionally and spiritually.
Moreover, both of you
cannot undergo the Healing
Process on your own; you
require the help of an
experienced marriage
counsellor and coach whose
programs have strong
spiritual flavours. If your
spouse is not truly sorry for
committing adultery and/or
you have not truly forgiven
your spouse, then you have
a marital deadlock.
In the Healing Process, which
could last a long time, we
tactfully engage the couple
in dialogues that are
structured to strategically
extract forgiveness and
remorsefulness from the
deepest part of their hearts.
2. Process of Rebuilding:
At some point of the Healing
Process, we will introduce
the Rebuilding Process, with
an objective to help the
couple fall in love with each
other again. While the
Rebuilding Process helps to
solidify the Healing Process,
the effectiveness of the
Rebuilding Process depends
on the success of the
Healing Process. Lots of time
and effort is further
required from both of you to
overcome the inestimable
impact of adultery in your
marriage, with a strong
focus on getting to know,
trust and love each other all
over again. Fun is key in this
component.
This is where both of you
start going out on dates
together, while consistently
performing activities to build
companionship, support and
intimacy. As the victim of
adultery, it would likely be
hard at first, for you would
still have some mental
struggles with the fact that
the person sitting in front of
you recently "stabbed you
in the back"; however, we
exhort you to persist in this
Rebuilding Process with an
open mind. For then and only
then would you be able to
see beyond the associated
emotional injury to the
remorseful heart of your
spouse.
As the perpetrator, you
should be working
"overtime" to regain the
trust of your spouse. Make
every effort to consistently
inject passion, harmony and
growth into your marriage,
and help your spouse to
become more comfortable
with you. Read books about
how to energize your
marriage. Hire a coach if you
need some directions. Attend
seminars, join marriage
groups, pray continuously,
and remain humble forever.
3. Process of Protecting:
In this step, we work with
both the victim and
perpetrator of adultery to
avoid situations and the
biased rationale for adultery.
The Protecting Process
deals with the root causes
of adultery, and institute
S.M.A.R.T. measures to
protect the couple from
adulterous thoughts, deeds
and situations.
As the victim, and without
even trying to justify the
despicable act of your
spouse, it is always
beneficial to ask yourself
what you could have done
to help him or her maintain
focus on the marriage. With
humility, you should find out
what were the primary
characteristics in the
accomplice that attracted
your spouse in the first
place. Often enough, it is
encouragement rather than
beauty, acknowledgment
rather than status, mutual
passion rather than wealth,
vulnerability rather that
courage. Pitiably, we can
often deliver what our
spouse find attractive in
other people, but ignorantly
choose not to, or completely
oblivious to their marital
stimulants.
As the perpetrator, through
dialogue and careful
observation, we would help
you determine how to
maintain a consistent,
growing focus, and to stay
away from tempting
situations. Perhaps, you may
need to change job, social
group, gym and even
congregation in order to
avoid encounters with your
accomplice altogether.
Ask yourself what you
should start doing to help
your spouse with his or her
challenges? Does he or she
desire more quality time with
you, more lovemaking, more
encouragement, more
engagement, more growth,
or probably, less nagging?
Adultery could often be
avoided if spouses take the
time to look attractive for
one another, wear what
please each other, reduce
their body weight, and make
effort to grow intellectually.
Whether you choose to
remain in the marriage or
not, make sure that you
pursue emotional healing to
avoid carrying a detrimental
"emotional baggage" with
you into another relationship.
You must learn to trust
again, to respect even more,
and to get rid of your anger,
bitterness and resentment
without dismissing the need
to move on with your life.
Sometimes, a person
choosing to leave our life is
what we need to live our life.
Either way, we are here to
help.
Copyright (c) 2010 The
Exhortation Life and
Business Coaching Service
About The Author
The greatest hurt in a
marriage is adultery? What is
adultery and what are the
impacts in a marriage? Upon
adultery, is there still hope
for the marriage? For more,
visit http://
www.theexhortation.com/
Article Source:
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